6 years.

Dear Brian,

Wow can you believe it has been so long?!? You have been gone for 6 long but yet very short years. I can't even fathom this. I miss you now more than I did when I first found out that you had passed away.

The last six months have been the hardest on me. As I was getting ready to get my endowments at the temple, all I could think of was you.  As you know, the temple is a very special place and as crazy as this sounds, I felt you that day.

It was on that same day that we last saw each other, so 6 years after I saw you last, you were with me. You were there cheering me on and supporting me, and I am over joyed about it.

Brian, I know I have said this before andI will say it again, but you are one of the biggest reasons I am who I am. You were always there to tell me I was being dumb and that I needed to get my act together. You were there to comfort me when I was balling my eyes out. You were the only person who understood how I felt when I found out I couldn't have kids. Your friendship never wavered.

As I sit here today trying to collect my thoughts, I am looking out the window and it's a rainy day. And these are the days that hurt the most. Every time it rains I think of you. It was in a rain storm that we met. Do you remember that? It was one of the best nights of my life. (For those of you who don't know the story, here it is here.)

Heavenly Father certainly knew what he was doing that week. I met my best friend and the person who understood me the quickest and easiest and who was able to help me see myself and the Lord would. You helped me to understand who I am and what I should stand for, and it still took me a few years to really get it, but I got here because of you.

Brian, I miss you. End of story. I wish you were here for me to call and complain to, and then you would be amazingly positive and make me feel a thousand times better in seconds. No one has been able to take your place, and it might be because I hold you on a pedestal. But I am trying.

You were and will always be the best thing that happened to me. I am continuing to grow and learn and strive to be more like you. There are many days that I think to myself, what would Brian expect of me? What would he think of this? And that helps.

Thank you for never being negative, even when you had every reason in the world to be mad and sad and in general pissed off at the world. That positivity is honestly what gets me through the hard times.

Thank you for never giving up on me and for spending so many sleepless nights on the phone with me.

I could keep thanking you for everything that you have done for me, but this would never end. Just know that I am am forever grateful for everything you taught me and what you continue to do for me as you watch over me.

I love you to the moon and back.

I will see you again.


Always Smile!
Love,
T

It's been a while....

Dear Brian,

I know it has been a while since I have written anything on here, but I am think that that is a good thing. I think it means that I don't have to depend on this blog to know that you are still apart of my life. I know you are watching over me every day and that you are encouraging me to do good. :) So, life has been quite interesting and crazy! I just started my second year off college last week and I am at school for roughly 12 hours a day, its awesome. I know what you would say if you were her so I will answer your questions now. No, I am not spread to thin, I know my limits and have good time management skills. Plus, it keeps me out of trouble, and you and I both know how much troble I can get into. Besides school I am working 2.5 jobs. I work on campus, I clean the house of some friends of my Uncles and I have SGA. So i am always on the go, I like it much more than sitting around doing nothing. On another note I am still waiting to here from the doctors about if I have cancer or not so thats loads and loads of fun. My mom had some problems with her insurance and it took us for ever to figure everything out, as I am sure you understand. Now I am just waiting to know for sure that I am good to go to my oncologist and then we will go from there. I am not scared about it being cancer anymore, why you may ask? Well because I had the greatest example show me that if you put a smile on your face and see the positive in life, everything will work out the way the Lord has planned it, and you will meet the most amazing people in the world along the way. Thanks you so much for teaching me this simple truth. For the longest time I have been upset because you had cancer and you died, but if none of that had happened, who knows if we would have ever met. So for once I am able to say that I am grateful that you had cancer so that we could be friends and that you could teach me such wonderful life lessons that I wouldnt have learned any other way. I love and miss you more than you will ever know. Till next time, keep lookin out for me.

Love,
Teasha

One Year

Dear Brian,

In two days it will be a year since you passed away and I don’t think anything has changed since then. I still can't sleep well because I am up all night missing and thinking about you and what could have been different. I act like everything is fine and that I am happy, but it is all just a fake front. I miss you Brian, but I am not allowed to miss you because it has been so long since you passed that i should be able to move on and be me again but it just isn’t happening. I cry anytime I think of you and then I can’t stop. Brian I just want it to go away. I know you know the song “What Hurts the Most” and it truly sucks that you aren’t here and the worst part is that no one here in Texas even knows how big a part of my life you were and still are. You were my best friend; I could tell you anything and everything. I have no one now. I need someone here in Texas that I can call and get help from. The other night I needed a blessing and I couldn’t even think of someone I could call, I miss have someone I could call upon to use their priesthood. Brian, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t help but wonder if I made a horrible mistake by moving here. I wish I could just hear your voice again, I wish I could feel your warm hugs. Why did you have to leave me? I am all alone now and have no one to talk to. You left me in this horrible messed up place with no one who understands me. No one gets what I am going through, not like you anyways. Bri, I hate this! I write this stupid blog so that I can feel closer to you and it doesn’t help, I need you here. Brian, I might have cancer….and I am hoping that I do so that I can know what you had to go through, so that I can feel you and have you with me again. I can’t live without you Brian. I can’t get out of this slump, I just can’t do it. I found a good guy that I really liked. I even started dating him, and he is an amazing guy, but I broke up with him because I can’t stop loving you and I can’t move on pass you. I don’t know how to be strong anymore; I can’t keep pretending that I am strong. I guess I think that if I don’t face that you are gone it’s like your still here, but you’re not. I don’t know how to carry on anymore…. I just don’t know what I am doing. Do you remember how we talked about going to a psychologist and how I said that I would never go to one cuz I think that they are crazy people you don’t know anything…? Well I think that it is finally time from me to get over myself and go. Maybe that’s the only way to feel better and to start moving on. I don’t want to be stuck in my past forever, I want to live life to its fullest and be able to say that I live life for all that it is worth instead of letting my past hold me back. The only thing is that I say all of this but then I know I won’t go through with it. I won’t change I will just keep going around in a circle. Do you remember how I promised I would start going to church and being a better member of the church? Well guess what, that never happened. I am still inactive, and I don’t even know if the church is what I really want my life to be centered on. Everyone seems to think that I am this amazingly awesome and strong person, but I’m not. I can’t even get myself to go to church on Sundays, or to read my scriptures, or to even pray. Bri, you always told me that I was smart and that I knew right from wrong and that I knew how to be happy and that if anything where to ever happen to you that I was to make myself happy. The thing is ever since you passed away I have to fight myself every second of everyday to just remember that I am still a human and that I must function correctly in order to live, that’s not how life should be. I should have to struggle with myself to leave my bed; I should want to live my life. But I just don’t want to, I would rather stay in bed and sleep, when my body decides to let me sleep, and dream of a happier time and place then the one I am in now. I keep having dreams that you are still alive and that you are here with me, and I would much rather live in that world than in my reality, but I can’t. I must wake up and go to school every day, and go to church activities. I never thought it would be this hard to live without someone in my life. I have had many people in my life pass away and you are by far the only one that I really truly care for even though the others where family. I don’t know what else to say right now. Just know that I love you more than anything in the world and that I miss you more than words can ever say. Hope your enjoying your “mission”.

Always Smile,
Love,
Teasha

10 Months and Funraiser.

Dear Brian,

Wow, I cant believe you have been gone for 10 months!!! My my how the time flown by! Justin and I were talking earlier and neither of us could believe how long its been. I am doin well as I am sure you know. I started going to church more often which is always a good thing. I just need to work on reading and preying and I think i will be good. :P School keeps me crazy busy! Oh my goodness Bri, I am taking 17 hours! 17! I know i am crazy right? But it is also alot of fun and keeps me out of trouble which i am sure you love. Thats pretty much all thats new, time for the fun exciting news!!! So as I said before Justin and I were talking earlier and we were talking about starting a fundraiser for the cancer Wing in your Hospital. I told Justin I would do research and get everything put together for him to actually run it! Im so excited! If this actually take off, I hope it does, than I want to name the fund after you, with Justin's permission of course. Anyways, thats all the news I have for you right now. I love you more than anything in the world and I hope your mission is going amazingly awsomely well! Miss you each and everyday but seem to find joy anyways!

Always Smile!
Love Always and Forever,
Teasha

8 years ago.

Dear Brian,

8 years ago today I made one of the most important decisions of my life and it has impacted everything since that day. If I hadnt gotten baptized into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I would have been able to meet you. I never would have know the most amazing person to ever come into my life and be my best friend here on Earth even though it was only for a short amount of time. I am so great full for all that you were able to teach me while you were here with me. I watched a movie the other night it was Letters to God. Its about a little boy who has cancer and writes letters to God and help the people in his community, the reason why i write this now is because Tyler the kid the movie is based on reminds me alot of you. The only thing he wanted was for his friends and family to find the Lord and be happy, and thats what you wanted for all of us. When you passed away i didnt realize how hard all of this was going to be. I didnt realize that almost a year after you left that i wouldnt be able to open my heart. I didnt realize that I would still be sad that my best friend is is dead instead of living his life here on earth. Im not mad at Heavenly Father I know he has a plan for all of us and yours had come to an end or at least the part here on Earth did, i just wish i could talk to you and hear your laugh and feel your warm sweet hugs again. I feel like I am alone even though i am surrounded by people who love me and I know they do, it just so hard doing this with out you. I need your help Bri, I need you to help me get though this. I need you to tell me i can move on. I need that from you. I guess i should wrap this up cuz i have class tomorrow and still need to do some homework. I love and miss ya Bri, you were and still are the best friend I ever had!

Always Smile.
Love Always and Forever,
Teasha

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Birthday, and 9 months.

Dear Brian,

Holy Cow! Alot has happened the past couple of weeks. We celebrated the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, we rang in a new year, you would have turned 20, and nine months ago today you passed away.

Let's start with Christmas. When the season first started I was happy and joyful and as it become closer and closer to Christmas, I became sad. I realized that this would be the first year I would spend without my mom and siblings. It was a harsh reality and I couldn't change it. I felt sad and thought that Christmas wouldn't be as fun without our traditions but it turned out to be one of the best ones yet! There was no yelling and screaming, we were all just happy and had a good relaxing day.

Next would be New Years. I have always done something fun on New Years Eve. I usually go to a Dance or have a party or something like that, well this year I had n plans to do anything until the day before. So on New Years Eve, Sara Jenna and I went and saw Christmas in the PArk. Which is just a bunch of light a a park here in town, the were pretty but nothing to spectacular. After that, we went to my house to ring the new year. We chowed down some pizza and played some wii then watched the ball drop in NYC. It was alot of fun. After we partied like it was 2011, we all fell asleep watching Just Like Heaven, all in all a good new years eve. :) I will add a list of my resolutions at the end for ya. :)

Next would be your BIRTHDAY!!! This month is such a special one; its birthday time for you.We’d really like to celebrate your happy day with you.Zip-a-dee-ay and heigh-dee-ho, heres something we can do.We’ll sing a song that we all know…… Happy Birthday to you,Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear BRIAN ORGILL!,Happy Birthday to you…...….You’ve had a birthday shout “Hooray!” We want to sing to you today!One year older and wiser too! Happy Birthday ( *clap* ) to you!

And lastly, as of today you have been gone for 9 months, which just seems crazy to me but its true. I miss you so much and I still think about you all the time. You are an amazing person and I am so thankful for all that you have thought me and the advise you have given. Please continue to look out for me and help me to know that you are still here, in one way or another.

I love ya Bri! Keep doing all the wonderful things I know you are doing!

Always Smile!
Love,
Tea

Resolutions:

- Become and stay active in the Church!
-Be more willing to help others!
-Be committed, brave, patient, positive, forgiving, thankful, and Honest!
-Give more Compliments!
-Live in the moment not just for tomorrow!
-Listen to my heart!
-Spread kindness!
-See Gods hand in my life!
-Appreciate the small and simple things!
- Write down 10 things that either make me happy or I am thankful for each day!
-Have and express my opinion!
-Be wiling to try new things out of my comfort zone!
-Stop judging people!
-Trust myself!
-Learn to cope and move forward! (this one is about you :) )
-Write Missionaries more often! (Michael is a little upset that i dont write him :P )
-Keep up with my journal!
-Take more pictures!
-Remember to smile!
-Read and Pray!
-Succeed!
-But most of all BE ME!!!

8 months ago.... 3 years ago...

Dear Brian,

Between yesterday and today, I have not been able to stop thinking about you and how much you have meant to me, and how I loved talking to you and being able to be one of your close friends. Live is not as amazing as it once was and i miss that.I miss you. I miss how you could make me laugh. I miss how you would give me comfort when none was to be found. Brian, I know I need to move on, I know I need to figure out what to do with my life, but I miss you so much. Its been a year since I saw you last. A year since I got to see your bright smile and feel your warm hugs. A year of crazy stuff, some good some not so bad and some horrible. Some good though is I met JUstin and Kelly, I started College, move to Texas and met wonderful friends, and I think I am happier here. We wont go into the bad stuff. :P Brian, I know that you are disappointed in me, I know I am not doing what you would want me to be doing, and I think that that is part of the reason why I feel so bad when I think about you. So here is my promise to you and for anyone who reads this I guess.... I promise to be strong and willing in all that I do. I promise to attened y church meeting and become closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I promise to try my hardest to read and pray daily. This is my promise and if I dont keep it then when I see you again in the Spirit World you can beat me up, deal? I love you and miss you more than I can even explain.

Always Smile,
Love,
Teasha

2 Nephi 9:39