Dear Brian,
In two days it will be a year since you passed away and I don’t think anything has changed since then. I still can't sleep well because I am up all night missing and thinking about you and what could have been different. I act like everything is fine and that I am happy, but it is all just a fake front. I miss you Brian, but I am not allowed to miss you because it has been so long since you passed that i should be able to move on and be me again but it just isn’t happening. I cry anytime I think of you and then I can’t stop. Brian I just want it to go away. I know you know the song “What Hurts the Most” and it truly sucks that you aren’t here and the worst part is that no one here in Texas even knows how big a part of my life you were and still are. You were my best friend; I could tell you anything and everything. I have no one now. I need someone here in Texas that I can call and get help from. The other night I needed a blessing and I couldn’t even think of someone I could call, I miss have someone I could call upon to use their priesthood. Brian, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I can’t help but wonder if I made a horrible mistake by moving here. I wish I could just hear your voice again, I wish I could feel your warm hugs. Why did you have to leave me? I am all alone now and have no one to talk to. You left me in this horrible messed up place with no one who understands me. No one gets what I am going through, not like you anyways. Bri, I hate this! I write this stupid blog so that I can feel closer to you and it doesn’t help, I need you here. Brian, I might have cancer….and I am hoping that I do so that I can know what you had to go through, so that I can feel you and have you with me again. I can’t live without you Brian. I can’t get out of this slump, I just can’t do it. I found a good guy that I really liked. I even started dating him, and he is an amazing guy, but I broke up with him because I can’t stop loving you and I can’t move on pass you. I don’t know how to be strong anymore; I can’t keep pretending that I am strong. I guess I think that if I don’t face that you are gone it’s like your still here, but you’re not. I don’t know how to carry on anymore…. I just don’t know what I am doing. Do you remember how we talked about going to a psychologist and how I said that I would never go to one cuz I think that they are crazy people you don’t know anything…? Well I think that it is finally time from me to get over myself and go. Maybe that’s the only way to feel better and to start moving on. I don’t want to be stuck in my past forever, I want to live life to its fullest and be able to say that I live life for all that it is worth instead of letting my past hold me back. The only thing is that I say all of this but then I know I won’t go through with it. I won’t change I will just keep going around in a circle. Do you remember how I promised I would start going to church and being a better member of the church? Well guess what, that never happened. I am still inactive, and I don’t even know if the church is what I really want my life to be centered on. Everyone seems to think that I am this amazingly awesome and strong person, but I’m not. I can’t even get myself to go to church on Sundays, or to read my scriptures, or to even pray. Bri, you always told me that I was smart and that I knew right from wrong and that I knew how to be happy and that if anything where to ever happen to you that I was to make myself happy. The thing is ever since you passed away I have to fight myself every second of everyday to just remember that I am still a human and that I must function correctly in order to live, that’s not how life should be. I should have to struggle with myself to leave my bed; I should want to live my life. But I just don’t want to, I would rather stay in bed and sleep, when my body decides to let me sleep, and dream of a happier time and place then the one I am in now. I keep having dreams that you are still alive and that you are here with me, and I would much rather live in that world than in my reality, but I can’t. I must wake up and go to school every day, and go to church activities. I never thought it would be this hard to live without someone in my life. I have had many people in my life pass away and you are by far the only one that I really truly care for even though the others where family. I don’t know what else to say right now. Just know that I love you more than anything in the world and that I miss you more than words can ever say. Hope your enjoying your “mission”.
Love,
Teasha
